My sister recently wrote a post on her blog asking how much of our life history should be disclosed to a significant other (click here to see her post). It’s something I’ve thought about quite a bit in the past, and I’ve always thought I’d desire full disclosure. I’ve always figured that, if I love someone, why wouldn’t I want to share everything with her? TV and the movies would have us believe this is a rare perspective to have, but I’ve never seen an unselfish reason to intentionally hide something.
While my sister was not (to my knowledge) talking about previous relationships, nor about things that took place during the relationship, I think these are easy examples to utilize. And thus I want to probe the idea of affairs. While it’s a dreadful thing to contemplate, I’ve wondered what I’d feel if my one-day spouse were to have an affair. Absolutely horrible, I imagine. But now let’s think of a different scenario. Imagine a husband and wife that are extremely happy in their marriage. Now imagine that 10 years ago, one of these individuals had an affair and their partner never knew about it. Should they tell their spouse about it now?
Now many things might affect your answer. Maybe the extent of the affair matters to you. But let’s just say it was significant enough. Now imagine that the person who cheated feels nothing but remorse for those previous actions. Imagine that the cheater feels completely disgusted at the idea of ever cheating again. Imagine, whatever it takes, that this person is as truly sorry and regretful as they can be. Is there a reason to tell their spouse?
It seems that doing so would cause nothing but destruction. It won’t change the fact that the affair happened. Because the cheater already feels horrible about it, it won’t really make them feel any less guilty. It will only make them feel awful because of the current anguish they are bringing upon their spouse. And the spouse will have to suffer and mourn and, most likely, think about this fact constantly for the next several weeks or even months (and it probably won't EVER stop coming to mind occasionally). So what's the point?
I used to think that, as the victim, I would deserve to know. But is this simply an inability to forgive? Would the more forgiving person not need to know? Sadly, an affair shouldn’t have happened. And, if it did, the cheater should have been forthright about it at the time. But once it’s too late to change that, is there a point to admitting it? That should probably be up to the victim. Unfortunately, there’s no way to know ahead of time if the victim would really want to know. Assuming everything was wonderful in the relationship now, I don’t know that I’d want to go through that pain for nothing. What do you think?
But don't you somehow feel that the trust had been broken, even if you never knew it, and you'd been living a lie for the last ten years? I don't know. I think you both have extremely good arguments that I would agree with. But I can't help having some hesitation for some reason. Perhaps, as Benny pointed out, because it happened DURING the relationship.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good example of what I was thinking of.
What about things pre relationship? I think if a guy had been in jail or abused someone or something big, I'd have a right to know. Then again, as already pointed out, why? if he had truly changed, would I need to know the details and doubt his character? And, how would one judge what is "big" enough it deserves and needs to be disclosed?
I suppose we all have things in our past that we don't want to talk about- it's embarrassing, we've repented, whatever. It could be silly things, dumb things, sinful things. And really, why would we have to tell someone if it's not really who we are now? But, I guess the thought is what Benny said- we are a product of our experience and perhaps to truly understand me, you'd have to know whatever it is. I was about to say, I think I want more definite answers, but you both said rather definitively that you wouldn't want to know. Right? Did I understand correctly? Anyone else have an opinion?
P.S. Benny you said that I don't seem to want links to my blog. I don't know what I've said to give that impression; I don't really care. As long as no one psycho visits!
There is a practical side to this question as well. Suppose they find out someday without your confession? This would be very VERY very bad. Would be better to be driven by morals than "what if I get caught", but wanted to throw this out there as a consideration that I don't think has been mentioned yet. My intention here is not to say that this settles the debate. Just trying to muddy the waters. ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm of the opinion almost anything with a reasonable potential to come back and bite you in the butt should be revealed.
ReplyDeleteThis whole thing with sexual exclusiveness is a bit difficult for me to understand. It isn't as though sex is a diminishing resource. While in this day and age one must be wary of very unforgiving diseases demanding sexual fidelity seems......limiting.
Qualities such as loyality, honor, shared goals and love seem much more important, less restrictive and a lot more sensible.
I will agree, sex within a loving relationship has a flavor that doesn't exist when having casual sex. And that feeling isn't diminished simply because one has sex outside the primary relationship.
I have never expected or demanded fidelity. I have been exclusive only once in my life and have never tried to convince any of my partners otherwise.