Dragon Lights, Dragon Lies

Dragon Lights is a Chinese-themed festival running through May 6th at the Utah State Fairpark. I saw something about it on Facebook, thought it looked pretty cool, and bought tickets for the family. Our tickets were for yesterday, Sunday, March 25th. I bought the tickets only a couple of days in advance, on a day when Weather.com showed absolutely nothing worrisome in its Sunday forecast. The plan was for us to have an early dinner at one of our favorite Utah Chinese restaurants (located about 25 minutes away) and then backtrack to the fairgrounds. It would be a fun and different way for us to spend time together as a family. I was really looking forward to it.

Sunday morning came and went. The weather was nice. Then, around the time we were to head out, it started snowing. And then it started to snow harder. And harder. While this was disappointing because it didn’t sound fun to walk around in such bad weather, we didn’t have the option of changing our plans. The tickets were date-specific, and as the Dragon Lights website reports in their FAQ section, the festival would be held come “rain, snow or shine.” Plus, even when the snow started coming down fairly fast and furious, Weather.com showed nothing in the hourly forecast about snow. Probably, it would all let up quite soon.

Melanie, the boys, and I piled into our car and headed to the freeway. As we cruised down (up? We were going north, after all) the Interstate, I felt increasingly uncomfortable with our commute. I suggested we go to a much closer Chinese restaurant, one I had been to a couple of times but that Melanie and the boys had not. Nobody had any objections, so I exited the freeway and quickly found the alternate restaurant. It was closed for the Sabbath. Damn!

I shrugged and figured I’d try again to head to Bountiful, the location of our first-choice Chinese restaurant. Meanwhile, Melanie started searching for nearby Chinese restaurants on her phone. My rekindled determination to get to Bountiful quickly fizzled when, once again, I found it very difficult to see through the snow while driving on the freeway. Melanie suggested that we eat at Sampan, a nearby Chinese restaurant Melanie and I were quite fond of back before we got married. I had no interest in driving all the way to Bountiful via city streets, so I agreed. Within a few minutes, we were safe, cozy, and relaxed, sitting at a table and looking over our menus.

Our food was great. It’s probably the best Chinese food I’ve had since moving back to Utah. I don’t know why we haven’t revisited Sampan before now. I’ve tried several other Chinese places since moving back, and only a few have seemed adequate, much less quite tasty. Perhaps because I so loved the Chinese restaurant we used to frequent while living in Tallahassee, I had zero hope of finding anything of note in Utah. Adequate was the best I had hoped for. And maybe I just assumed that Sampan would be as mediocre as anything else, after being disillusioned by my first few forays into Chinese cuisine as a recently returned Utah native. But, man, Sampan was yummy. The boys thought so, too, as did Melanie. Hanging out together at a restaurant in-and-of itself was also quite lovely. We really enjoyed our time. And, wouldn’t you know it, the snow let up quite a bit while we dined. It didn’t stop snowing completely, but it had been reduced to small flakes falling in slow motion. Nothing to worry about whatsoever.

With full bellies, we climbed back into our car and headed to the Utah State Fairpark. A minor detour was involved, thanks to a slow-moving freight train—a common occurrence in that neighborhood, as I remember from my childhood. (I grew up relatively close to the fairgrounds. A junior high field trip even involved walking there, which I thought was nuts at the time and perhaps even more nuts now.) But, despite arriving nearly 90 minutes later than I had wanted and planned to, we finally made it.

Then we saw the sign. Dragon Lights had been canceled for the evening, I can only assume due to weather. The bastards.

As I said, the festival runs through the beginning of May, and according to the posted sign, we can use our tickets for any other day. But the only reason we fought through the snow in the first place was because the Dragon Lights website had ensured us that it would not be canceled due to inclement weather. It wasn’t pee pee in my Coke, but it felt like a joke, that’s for sure.

Oh well. We still had a good time.

December Madness

Life has been crazy hectic since the week of Thanksgiving. I touched on this somewhat in my previous post, which dealt with my post-Thanksgiving house hunting and job hunting. But that was only the beginning. Here are just some of the goings-on as of late:

I had my interview with a financing company on Friday, December 4th. I was interviewing to be a loan processor. Nothing glamorous, but the company seemed promising. I felt like the interview went really well, and those who interviewed me behaved in such a way that I felt incredibly confident about my chances. Nevertheless, I received a rejection email from them by Monday mid-afternoon. The nice thing is, I didn’t feel even a tiny hint of disappointment. Honestly. I was glad not to have to worry about it anymore, because I had another interview lined up for a job that I was even more excited about. I was happy to know I wouldn’t end up in a situation where I had a job offer but wanted to put it on hold while I waited on another possible offer.

On Sunday, December 6th, I taught Sunday school. That’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it always takes a decent amount of preparation. It’s not as easy to fake it or wing it in Community of Christ as it is in the LDS Church, simply because the approach to Sunday school is quite different. I’m not making a value judgment when I say that, by the way … although I can see how one might do so.

On Monday, December 7th, I had my two-hour penultimate training class for becoming an elder in Community of Christ. It was done via Skype, and I think it was the first and only class where I didn’t accidentally disconnect myself during the call or Skype session. That was nice.

On Tuesday, December 8th, I had a job interview for a position I was really feeling excited about. I still do feel some excitement about it, but I’m in the waiting stage now and so it’s kind out of my mind for the moment. I was told I wouldn’t hear back for a couple of weeks because they are doing so many interviews. Anyway, the interview itself didn’t go as well as I had hoped. The first half went okay, but I felt really displeased with how I answered a couple of questions at the end. Because of that, I walked away feeling like I had blown it and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed for a few days. I haven’t completely written off the job opportunity, in part because I know they are hiring at least 11 people. But I don’t know what to expect. Now that I’ve had some time away from worrying about it, I wonder how happy I would really be there. I feel like a whiner every time I talk about being happy in a job. “What makes you feel entitled to that?” I can hear people saying. “That’s a luxury few of us are afforded. Grow up and get used to it.” Yeah, well. Since leaving graduate school, I’ve felt more in touch with my own self and had moments when I feel like my true personality has been allowed to shine, and it’s horribly depressing to think of stuffing it back down into a box that rarely gets opened. Problem is, I have no idea what I can do in the here and now that would fit me. Lately, I wonder about being a librarian. I think interacting with the public is something I would enjoy, and I like libraries. That seems like a winning combination, assuming my interactions with the public would be more positive than not. And I think that, at a library, they would be. Not that I know of any library openings right now. I’m just trying to find that delicate balance between fantasy and reality. A library job seems feasible and yet appealing.

Moving on, Wednesday, December 9th was crazy busy. I had my final class to become an elder, and it lasted three hours. We went over the various sacraments within Community of Christ, which was really neat. I’m familiar with them already, but it was rewarding to spend some focused time on them. There are a few minor differences with how things are done in Community of Christ compared to the LDS Church, and some of them I quite like. For example, I quite like that consecrated oil is used whenever you perform the sacrament of administration (or what LDS folks would simply refer to as giving a blessing). In the LDS Church, you use consecrated oil only when a person is sick. In Community of Christ, you would use oil even if you’re giving what LDS folks would call a blessing of comfort or of guidance. I like ritual and symbolism, so I think this makes it powerful. On the other hand, there are differences that won’t feel as natural to me. In Community of Christ, the person receiving a sacrament (or blessing) is not addressed directly, except maybe very momentarily at the beginning. In the LDS tradition, the bulk of a blessing would be directed to the one receiving it, speaking to that person rather than to God. In Community of Christ, the blessing is directed toward God. I can see how that makes sense, given that blessings are treated like a prayer (concluding with an “amen,” for example), but I like the intimacy of speaking to the one being blessed. Not that I can’t do it however I want in my own home or whatever.

After my elder class, I hurried to meet a friend for lunch. I haven’t seen this friend in years. He has only returned to Utah somewhat recently, but apparently he has followed my blog and knows much about my life. That’s always a little strange. I honestly assume nobody reads my blog, other than my sister once in a while and my mom once in a really long while. Anyway, he reached out to me because he’s had his own issues or questions or thoughts or what have you about religion. I’m really flattered when people reach out to me about this stuff. It’s happened quite a bit in the last few years, and it’s honestly a form of ministry (if you want to call it that) that I care a great deal about. If my friend is reading this, he may be scoffing a bit because it’s not like I said anything useful to him at lunch. I’m not pretending to be humble, either. I really didn’t say much to him. I shared a little bit about my own journey, but mostly I was just trying to listen. Especially if I haven’t talked a lot to someone about this kind of stuff, I feel uncomfortable saying very much to that person. I don’t want to intrude on their spiritual journey. I’m also kind of hyper-paranoid about people assuming I have an agenda. I know I’ve had my moments when I’ve complained about the LDS Church or LDS culture, but my goal is not to get people to leave the LDS Church. I just want people to be happy and healthy. And I want those who hurt to feel comforted. And if I can facilitate that in any manner whatsoever, however minor it may be, I consider it a great honor. It is a path to which I feel called, and I pray that God will make me more and more capable of serving in that capacity.

My Wednesday shenanigans did not end with a lunch date. That evening, I had a pastorate meeting with those who will be serving on the SLC congregation pastorate in 2016. The meeting was in American Fork, which is about 20 minutes away. I was almost 30 minutes late. I didn’t know where I was going and am not hip enough to have any sort of GPS, so you can imagine how easily this situation turned into a disaster. I get tired of being the incompetent one of the group, but oh well.

Thursday is when all of my plans for the week started to go to pot. My health started going downhill, but it wasn’t until Friday that it dawned on me I probably had strep throat. Turns out I am not immune after all. Bummer. But the bigger bummer is that I had to miss out on two very special events. Sort of. (I’ll explain the “sort of” in a moment.) The first event I missed was participating in an on-camera interview being conducted by Community of Christ Apostle (and President of the Council of the Twelve) Linda Booth. I’ve known for quite some time that Community of Christ wanted to record interviews with those of us in the SLC congregation to learn more about our faith journeys. The SLC congregation has experienced such rapid growth in the last two years that it’s garnered the attention of the World Church (or the senior leadership headquartered in Independence, Missouri). They wanted to learn more about what’s happening, and the interviews will likely be used in future promotional videos for the church. Because I am part of (and, at this point, among the first to come into) the booming SLC congregation, I really wanted to be involved in this project. It was important to me, and I’ve looked forward to it for a long time. Melanie and I had an interview time scheduled for Friday night, but I couldn’t go. I wasn’t well enough. Melanie had to go without me. That saddened me.

The second event I had to miss was the baptism of one of our SLC congregants. That’s disappointing in and of itself, but this person had asked me to give his baptismal charge. (To put it simply, a baptismal charge is a talk or sermon that precedes a person’s baptism and is directed largely to that individual as he/she enters into the baptismal covenant.) I was very flattered that this person asked me to do so, and it felt tragic to cancel on him. Not because I think I’m special, but because he had asked me to do it and I failed him. It wasn’t my fault, but that didn’t matter. I still felt really depressed about it. I had been working on the baptismal charge and felt really good about where it was headed. So, it was all quite sad. I guess I can only say that so many times. The one tiny glimmer of a silver lining is that, because I was feeling so crappy, once I canceled on the interview and the baptism, I could finally get some rest. I had resisted canceling in the hopes that I would pull through, and that meant I kept working on things even when I felt like garbage. The second I let go of these things, I crashed.

Having gone to an instant care type of facility on Saturday morning and starting my antibiotics, I felt up to the challenge of showing up to church at 8:30 AM on Sunday so I could participate in the filmed interviews after all. I wasn’t sure I’d feel up to it, but I’m really glad I did it. It’s funny, being interviewed on camera talking about Community of Christ did not make me nervous. Job interviews are much, much worse. Naturally, once the interview was over, I thought of things I wish I had said and I thought of better ways to express some of the things I had shared. But overall, I felt quite good about the interview, and I got the sense that Linda was also very pleased with it. After the interview, I was given the opportunity to receive an apostolic blessing from Linda, which I happily accepted. It was a very pleasant experience. Whenever I am privileged to interact with ministers who are so genuinely loving and sincere, I can’t help but feel that renewed sense of calling. This is the kind of work I want to do. It really is, as much as I fear my own inadequacies. It has nothing to do with the positions these people hold. It is not because they are apostles and thus rank highly within some ecclesiastical hierarchy. That really is beside the point. Fawning over church leaders is not really a thing in Community of Christ, and I am so grateful for that. I’ve been amazed at the humility that even the “highest” ranking church leaders possess. It is beautiful. I truly see them striving to be the Lord’s hands on earth, and I want to do the same. It is inspiring.

And that brings us to today, Monday the 14th. I had looked forward to today as the first day when not much would be on my agenda. Then it snowed like crazy mad and I spent three hours taking Melanie and the boys to school and getting back home, usually a 30-minute round trip. I do not enjoy this outrageous winter weather. We were spared such things last year, so this was the first time I’ve had to regret moving back to Utah on account of the weather. I knew it would happen eventually. The snow is supposed to continue at an outrageous pace through tomorrow, but Melanie will have to brave it alone. That worries me, but it doesn’t make sense for me to have to drive back and forth twice when she can do it once. Creegan’s preschool is canceled for tomorrow, so there’s no sense in me going along for the ride. I wish today had been more relaxed, but at least I’m alive.

A Nauvoo Weekend

I’ve had a very good weekend. I worked Saturday, but it was a rather adventurous day to work. The rain kept coming and going, and when it came, it was often very intense. We don’t stop giving tours when it rains, so long as people keep showing up and requesting them. This means there were times when I pretty much had to yell in order for my tour groups to hear me. I also had a few instances when the weather made me nervous. Usually, it was just because the thunder sounded so incredibly loud, but one time when I was guiding a group outside of the Mansion House, I could hear air sirens going off in the distance. I’ve been told before that if there are sirens going off, I’m supposed to head down into a cellar because it could mean there is a tornado coming. My fears were dampened (no pun intended) a bit by the fact that other people were still out and walking about, plus the sirens stopped almost immediately after I came out of the Mansion House, plus they sounded far enough away that I wasn’t sure they applied to the immediate area. I was later led to believe that the sirens were warning of flash floods in the city of Montrose, directly across the Mississippi River from Nauvoo. No need to panic after all.

When I got home from work, the drainage ditch in front of the Sidney Rigdon house (in which I’m staying) had turned into a sizable river of its own. Melanie and I both laughed when, a short while later, a trio of young children went swimming by, on their stomachs, in the ditch. Eddie, Peter, and Creegan wanted to join the fun and hurriedly put on their swimsuits, then took to the “river.” They had a great time splashing around in it before heading into the house and taking a bath. Imagine my dismay when I saw my boss this morning at work and he happened to say, “Don’t let your kids play in the rainwater, by the way. I saw some kids swimming around in it the other day. But it wasn’t just rainwater that they were swimming in.” Apparently, there is reason to believe sewage also comes up into these ditches when it rains heavily. Egad. Boy, am I glad Melanie made the boys take a bath immediately afterward!

Today was my day off from work. It was a very good day, overall. At church, we had a pancake breakfast in lieu of Sunday school. The food was great. There was a variety of syrups for the pancakes, very tasty breads and pastries, some yummy, cheesy scrambled eggs, delicious sausage, very good hash browns, etc. I even had chocolate milk to drink. The worship service went okay, but I have to admit, I very much look forward to getting back to my regular congregation in Salt Lake City. The people here are extremely nice, but something doesn’t click with me when it comes to the worship services out here. I think I’ll probably write more about this in a future blog post, so stay tuned.

After church, Melanie and I took the boys out to Keokuk to see the movie Minions. It was a really fun outing, although the movie itself was in my (and Melanie’s) opinion mediocre. We had originally considered going out to lunch after the movie, but we weren’t very hungry and it was so damn hot outside that simply walking to our car zapped us of any desire to be anywhere other than home. Since we were in Keokuk, however, we did stop at Family Video and pick up a few movies for the week. When we came back home, Melanie and I watched While We’re Young, which may be the first genuinely good movie we’ve watched during our time in Nauvoo. (I’ve seen quite a few in the last couple of weeks.) At that point, I felt desirous to go out to eat after all. And so, we loaded up and headed back to Keokuk. We ate dinner at Dr. Getwell’s. It was a good meal. We had a fried cheddar bites appetizer, then everyone sans Beegy got a burger. (Beegy got mac n’ cheese.) My burger was topped with ham, American cheese, and a fried egg. Melanie’s was topped with bacon, peanut butter, and jalapenos. Not our usual fare by any means, but we enjoyed ourselves.

And that’s that. It doesn’t sound like much now that I write it all down, but we’ve been having fun. Tomorrow is also a day off for me, and I’m thinking I may venture out to see more of the LDS sites here in Nauvoo. Wednesday will be yet another day off, and Melanie and I are trying to decide whether to head to Springfield or Lamoni, IA. We hope to see both places before heading home to Utah in a few weeks, and both are no more than a few hours away. Lamoni is home to Graceland University, which is to Community of Christ what Brigham Young University is to the LDS Church. Lamoni was also the headquarters of the RLDS Church for approximately 40 years. I’m not sure what all there is to do there, but I figure I should check it out while I’m so close. We’ll see what happens.

And the Problems Begin…

In an effort to be positive, let me start by listing some of the things I’m enjoying about Utah so far (most of which I would have predicted, as I’ve written about these particular aspects of Utah before):

• The dry air is lovely. It doesn’t qualify as “hot” here, and in the evenings it is downright pleasant.
• The mountains are beautiful, and we’ve got a close-up view from Melanie’s parents’ house. I don’t tire of the view.
• There are many decent radio stations here. Despite the seeming abundance of commercials, there is a lot of good music.
• The library system is superior to what we had in Atlanta and Tallahassee. We visited the local library today, and it was awesome. They have everything you can think of. They have tons of DVDs. Seriously, thousands, in this one little branch of the library. They also have a pretty nice kids’ area, which made it quite entertaining for our boys. There is a seat in the kids’ area by a large window, overlooking the valley below. Quite posh for a kid. I myself would like to sit there and read for a couple of hours!
• Melanie and I have gotten our bedroom pretty much set up, and I quite like it. We’ve never had a TV in our bedroom before, but we do now. It seems luxurious and spoiled. I got the TV set up last night, and there are tons of free over-the-air stations here. We watched a DVD as we lay in bed, and it was nice and cozy. Very enjoyable.
• The kids are also set up in their bedrooms, with their bunk bed having been restored. I figured out how to put it back together without any instructions, which may not be a great accomplishment for a lot of folk, but I’m pleased with myself.

And now for the complaining:

• This carpal tunnel thing is terrible. I have been messed up for several days now. I can hardly do anything for more than a minute or two before my right arm and hand are aching and tingling. That’s my dominant hand, so this is potentially disastrous. I think it might be a little bit better than it was a couple of days ago, so I’m crossing my fingers (with my left hand) that it will continue to improve. Otherwise, I’m fearful this will lead to surgery or something. And, seeing as how we just moved, the insurance situation is a bit uncertain right now. Ugh.
• It took about 48 hours of living here for the kids to break something. Like something out of a sitcom, they kicked a soccer ball, in the living room, right into a large decorative glass plate. The plate looked like a giant flower, more or less. It was quite beautiful, really. Now it’s smashed. I’m sure Melanie’s parents are overjoyed to have us in their home.
• I woke up in the middle of the night last night with a nosebleed. My third night in town and the dry air is giving me random nosebleeds. I can’t believe I’d forgotten about that, but for whatever reason, I’ve always gotten random nosebleeds in Utah. Maybe it’s the elevation rather than the thin air. I’m just having that thought as I type this up. I don’t know which makes more sense, but it can’t be coincidence. I’ve probably had one or two nosebleeds in the last eight years, whereas I used to get them all the time in Utah and I’m already getting them again. I know I’m going to deal with dry skin issues here, and this is just the blood-red icing on the cake. I’ll look like a decaying zombie before you know it, with blood on my face and my skin falling off. Hooray for me!

Okay, I’m done. Thanks for listening.

Greetings from Utah

I’m writing this blog post in Utah. Because I’m in Utah. Because I live in Utah.

Bizarre.

Melanie and I arrived in the Salt Lake Valley around 5 p.m. (Mountain Time) today. We’re now in the house we will consider our home for the next several months. Even so, it doesn’t seem real that we now live here and will not be going back to Florida. We’re used to visiting Utah during the summer every year, so this feels like a normal visit. Except, officially speaking, we’ve moved in.

I can’t think of anything interesting to report about our drive from Laramie, Wyoming to our new home in Utah. It was another day of feeling exhausted and fighting off sleep. It didn’t help that I struggled yet again in the night with dead arm problems. When I woke up at 5:45 a.m., I couldn’t get back to sleep for a while. My arm was too dead, and the hotel room was too bright. Despite the curtains being closed, their short length allowed a good dose of sunshine to flood the room by sneaking in beneath the curtains. For having curtains that actually close, this is the worst curtain situation I’ve ever encountered at a hotel. So, with lots of light and lots of pain, I moved myself to a desk chair and just sat for a while. Eventually, I ran my right hand under some scalding hot water, which can sometimes stimulate blood flow. It helped enough that I could return to the bed and catch another 20-30 minutes of sleep in relative comfort. (I’ve noticed something that I assume is related to this dead arm problem, and it’s that if I open and close my right hand, there is a kind of knocking in my wrist area. As I open-close-open, it does a kind of thunk-thunk-thunk. My left hand doesn’t do that, and I rarely have issues with my left arm going dead.)

The boys have had a lot of fun here at Grandma and Grandpa’s. They’ve played Minecraft and done a bit of swinging out in the backyard. Melanie and I felt chilled in the 66 degree evening weather. I loved it. I love the notion that we can sleep with our bedroom window open here, and it could actually be a positive thing!

Poor Edison, my anxiety-ridden boy, is struggling now that we’re here in Utah. He’s done amazingly well on the journey out here, and it gave me some false hope. Now that we’re at our destination, the worries are taking over. It’s heartbreaking that a seven-year-old can struggle with such relentless and profound anxiety. I hope this adjustment period passes quickly.

And that’s that. So our new chapter of life begins. Melanie pointed out that we’ve lived less than a full year of our married lives in Utah, while we’ve lived eight such years elsewhere. It’s strange to think that this is, in some sense, new territory for us when it’s otherwise such a hyper-familiar place for us to be.

Greetings from Laramie, Wyoming

Leaving Raton, New Mexico this morning, we found ourselves immediately in canyons. There was dense fog, and the situation was a bit intimidating. Thankfully, this didn’t last too terribly long, and the scenery soon became beautiful. While we encountered some of the arid landscapes that are a bit depressing to me, being at a higher elevation has been very pleasant. Today, we traversed in a northward fashion the entirety of Colorado, passing many charming and picturesque mountain towns along the way. If I didn’t think I’d have to worry about leaving my house in wintertime, I could see myself happy to live in such a town.

I have been extremely tired. Sometimes I feel like I’m fighting to stay awake behind the wheel. Dangerous, I know. Even engaging in conversation doesn’t always help. Sometimes I feel like my eyes are crossing or going a little crazy and darting randomly … only not in such an energetic way as the word “randomly” might imply. It’s more like they are drunkenly staggering around. After stopping for lunch in Ft. Collins, Colorado today, I made Melanie take over for the rest of the drive. I slept some, off and on, as we made our way to Laramie.

Overall, the drive was much shorter today, very slow traffic through Denver notwithstanding. It was nice to arrive at our hotel with more time to spare. Melanie and I both crashed for a few minutes, but the boys were antsy to go swimming. Our hotel features an “indoor heated pool,” but I’m not sure what obscure meaning of “heated” they are using. Whatever it is, it apparently has nothing to do with raising the temperature of the water. The pool was quite chilly. Luckily, there was also a hot tub, and that felt blissful for the last several minutes of our time there. I think it helped my right arm, which has circulation problems. (Probably some sort of carpal tunnel or something. It goes dead in the night often enough, but it’s remained problematic for much of the daytime over the last couple of days, which is unusual. Melanie thinks it might have something to do with driving, because her arm went to sleep after driving for a while.)

We splurged on dinner and went to Chili’s, much to the chagrin of our children, who wanted Burger King. (The play land at Burger King was certainly a major factor in their vote.) Melanie and I were sick of fast food and happy to do something more “real.” We had fun, and I enjoyed my meal even though the first two things I attempted to order were out of stock. There isn’t much to this city of Laramie, and I guess they don’t feel much need to replenish their restaurants all that often. Near the end of our meal, Creegan decided to climb over the seats to the abandoned table beside ours and start drinking whatever beverage the customer had left behind. Thankfully, we’re quite certain it was just water.

Leaving the restaurant, we were all quite chilled by the wind. Despite wishing I had a jacket or something, I felt very giddy. This dry air feels so sensational, and to think that the air can feel brisk in late June is just mind-blowing to me. It sounds absurd, I’m sure, but I think the dry air is really something I’ve missed. I’ve been homesick for that particular sensation. Not having it for the last eight years has made me feel out of place. I’m not kidding. It’s like something really important has been missing, and that’s what it is. I don’t know why it is so important and essential to me, more than the sight of mountains or other things that people might consider more important or aesthetically significant. For me, it’s a crisp, cool, dry breeze that my soul has been crying out for over these last several years. There’s something very nostalgic and comfortable about it. It feels like home and makes me feel safer and more secure. There must be a strong childhood association with it somewhere in my mind or something. It’s been important to me to feel it again.

Tomorrow will be our final day of driving, though it will be a decently long one. I don’t look forward to it. On the plus side, Melanie and I have listened to a lot of good music on our trek across the country, including albums by Barenaked Ladies, Ben Folds, Counting Crows, The Doors, Duran Duran, Imperial Teen, The New Pornographers, New Radicals, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Steve Miller Band, Stiff Little Fingers, Tears for Fears, and Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers. I only brought along albums I think are extremely good, so I’ve thoroughly enjoyed myself. And I’ve still got several great albums left in our stash, from Hayden to Michael Jackson to Queen. Sometimes when nothing else seems to help me stay awake, a song that I love and can sing along with wakes me up and puts me in very good spirits.

The End of an Era

With very mixed emotions, I hereby announce that my family and I will be moving back to Utah within the next two months. Even though Melanie and I have been toying with this idea for a while now, it still doesn’t seem completely real to me. It’s hard to fathom that I really won’t be living in Tallahassee anymore, and it’s equally hard to imagine being in Utah and not having a plan to leave within a few weeks’ time. It has been eight years since we lived there, and it has been six years since we moved to Tallahassee. Our kids don’t know anywhere else as home. This is a big deal. It’s also a heartbreaking deal. It’s also an exciting deal. And from a practical standpoint, it’s most likely a necessary deal. But “big” is a simpler description, so I’ll just stick with that. This is a big deal.

You may wonder why we’re doing this. (I’m pretending I have people who read my blog right now. Just play along.) Have I finished my PhD? Did I land some awesome job in Utah? Did my rich, estranged uncle die and leave me his Utah estate in his will? Sadly, the answer to all of these questions is “no.” But there are good reasons for moving on. First of all, Melanie and I can’t sustain our way of life without something changing in the employment category. My stipend doesn’t cut it, and we don’t want to take on more debt. Add to that the fact that Melanie has long been wanting to get back into teaching elementary school. Now, it may seem that if Melanie gets a teaching job, the problem with my insufficient stipend disappears. Well, sort of. In principle, perhaps. But Melanie will have it much easier getting a job in Utah, because that’s where all of her connections are. Plus, that’s where she would like to teach. And where we ultimately think we want to live. (Crazy, I know.) So there is a strong incentive to move to Utah and start that process of securing Melanie in a Utah-based teaching job and getting settled in the area now. Why wait? There isn’t much of a reason to. If we’re not relying on my stipend, I can finish my PhD from anywhere. And if we were to stay here in Tallahassee, we’d have the issue of needing to put Creegan into childcare if Melanie got a job. We’d much rather have him hang out with his grandparents, which is something that can happen in Utah. So, as it turns out, the real question is not, “Why are we going back to Utah?”, but, “Why should we stay in Tallahassee?”

Well, I can think of some damn good reasons to want to stay in Tally. And that’s what breaks my heart about moving away. Trust me, I’ve got mixed feelings both about leaving Tallahassee and about living in Utah. They are two sides of the same coin, but both sides have their own unique pros and cons. There are many reasons that I will mourn our departure from Tallahassee. We love Eddie’s school, and we’d be thrilled to have Peter and eventually Creegan go there. We have made excellent friends, and that circle of friendship has grown a lot lately. We have independence here, which is extremely beneficial from a psychological standpoint. And despite the terrible heat and humidity during much of the year, the weather can be quite pleasant during months when it would be terrible elsewhere. As if to tease us, Tallahassee has been unseasonably cool this spring. It has been crisp, gray, and rainy for the last few weeks—my favorite type of weather. As I type this, looking out my window at lush green trees dripping with the residue of intermittent rain, I can barely tolerate picturing the snowstorms I will be putting up with for several months each year in Utah. I know this is for the best, but man. I can get really depressed about leaving.

I really do have a lot of anxiety about moving back to Utah, and part of me really does fear that I will regret it and feel miserable. I’m hoping that’s not true, though. I’m hoping once I’m there, Utah will slip back over me like a comfortable and familiar (even if imperfect) glove. There are definitely things I look forward to, and I know that on our last two visits, I felt certain that I wanted to return to live in Utah. I really do believe—or at least very adamantly hope—that the pros outweigh the cons. I look forward to much about being there, even as I fear feeling like the last decade or so of my life has been one prolonged U-turn. I do worry about feeling like I never really progressed, or like I’ve failed, or something like that. In some ways, these fears are absurd. When I last lived in Utah, I had one child, a newborn. I didn’t have any graduate degrees. I wasn’t as clear on what I wanted to do with my life as I am now. I have learned a lot about myself since I left, so it’s silly to view this as going back to square one. That makes no sense at all, rationally speaking, and yet those are the kinds of feelings I’ve had. I guess that’s to be expected. Big life changes are kind of like the hands that shake up our psychological snow globes and get our thoughts and feelings swirling all higgledy-piggledy.

See, even writing this has helped me feel a little better. I have good friends in Utah that I will be excited to see. Family. More cultural/intellectual events to partake of. A helluva lot more good food. I think I can be okay.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…

Keep the Change? Yes, Please!

In the relatively little time since I last wrote, life has delivered lots of craziness to our door. Big changes are either afoot or (hopefully) just around the corner. Edison has un-enrolled from virtual school and will be starting at a “normal” school tomorrow. This is a big deal for us. While virtual school is considered public school and is not the same thing as homeschooling, we’ve never had to take a child to a school building five days a week. Doing so makes it all feel more “real” somehow, like we’ve taken yet another step into “reality.” Funny thing, Edison was supposed to start at his new school today, but all of the local schools have been closed today due to ice and snow storms. Yes, in Florida. Apparently, the last time it snowed here was briefly in 1989. I haven’t seen any actual snow yet, but it’s supposedly possible. So far, it’s just little itty bitty ice pellets. But hey, my college class was cancelled too, so I’m happy. I should mention that Eddie’s going to be in the same class as his best friend, Natalie. That’s a very exciting development. I can’t believe how optimistic Eddie’s been about all of this. He’s prone to anxiety, which is why Melanie and I are thrilled that he’s going to be in Natalie’s class. That will really help him adjust, methinks. But even before we knew that, Eddie was looking forward to his new school. He and Melanie went on a tour of the school about a week ago, and Eddie came home telling me how awesome it is. One thing that really excites him: they sometimes have “brunch for lunch,” which consists of pancakes, sausage, and hash browns. Whatever gets him excited about school works for me!

In other wild news, I am preparing to make my first venture into the job market. Cross my fingers, it will also be my last venture into the job market. For discretionary reasons, I won’t say much in the way of details right now, but I will say that I really, really, really want this one. It sounds perfect for me, and I truly believe I am perfect for it. It’s a teaching-oriented job with little to no research (re: publishing) requirements. I like writing, but I really enjoy the teaching side of things and like the idea of being able to write (and maybe even publish) on subjects other than academic philosophy when I have the chance. This will allow for that. In fact, I would have the summers off, which would open up some time to work not only on other writing but on music. If that weren’t enough, the job would bring us immensely closer to our families and friends in Utah. I can truly see this being a permanent job for me; I see no reason that I’d ever want to leave! And that’s fantastic, because I have no interest in bouncing around the country every one or two years while trying to land something more permanent. This is a tenure-track position, so I could be there long-time if it all works out. I’ve tried really hard not to get my hopes up, but man … they’re flying pretty high right now. Of course, I haven’t even submitted an application yet. There’s a lot that goes into that, so I’m working on getting all of the materials gathered. Hopefully I’ll send my application off within the next week or so. Wish me luck!

Utah: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

After approximately two-and-a-half weeks of work-vacationing in Utah, I can’t help but wonder how it would be to live once again in my home state. I have very mixed feelings about this, as I’ve expressed previously (see here). But as my time in graduate school draws nearer and nearer to an end, I can’t help but take the idea of moving back to Utah all the more seriously. I very well could end up back here if I try. And so the question is, do I want to try?

I’ve compiled and will now present to you, my faithful reader (Hi, Mom!), a short list of the pros and cons of moving back to Utah. To be fair, this list is based on the assumption that if I don’t come back to Utah, I’ll be staying in Tallahassee. Or, rather, this list compares my life in Tallahassee to my potential life in Utah. Thus, if I say something is a pro of moving to Utah, what that really means is that it is an area of my life that would improve if I moved to Utah, as compared to my current lifestyle in Tallahassee. Similarly, if I say something is a con of moving to Utah, what I really mean is that Tallahassee is better than Utah in that particular respect. (And, to be even more specific, I’m comparing living in Salt Lake City to living in Tallahassee.) When it comes down to it, it’s highly unlikely that I’ll stay in Tallahassee after completing my Ph.D., and so this list is only provisionally meaningful. There are certainly pros and cons on this list that would not be pros or cons if I compared Salt Lake City to some other city in which I could end up living. But you get the basic idea.

A final note before I present the list. I have not included proximity to family and friends as either a pro or a con on this list. Obviously, it is both. But I have purposely kept this list limited to those things that seem less personal, that are features of the state rather than features of particular people that happen to live here. None of my Utah family members and/or friends should be saddened by their exclusion from this list. Indeed, it may be for the best that I did not include you on it. Who knows what I would have said about you?

And finally, here are the pros and cons:

Pro #1: More to Do (Especially for a Family)
The Salt Lake City area is a pretty great place to live if you’ve got a family. There are lots of things to do. There are museums, a zoo, an amusement park a mere 20-ish minutes away, cool libraries, tons of movie theaters, recreational opportunities aplenty, professional basketball, baseball, and soccer, etc., etc., etc. There are lots of community events, especially at certain times of the year. There are tons of places to see fireworks on the 4th of July, for example, and there seem to be two or three free movies being shown in some nearby park or another almost every single weekend during the summer months. For the adults, you’ve got ballet, opera, live theater, restaurants of varying degrees of snootiness, casinos a mere two hours’ drive away (if that’s your thing), and contrary to what some people would expect, bars and sex shops! Even for a boring fella such as myself who predominantly enjoys going to the movies, Salt lake City affords one the opportunity of going to a different movie theater almost every week of the year! So many other cities are easily accessible from SLC that a sizable chunk of metropolitan Utah feels as though it’s right outside your door. But so are the mountains, meaning you can hike, rock climb, bird watch, ski, snowboard, and much more! Whether you prefer your nights on the town or in the tops of the mountains, you’re good living in SLC. Tallahassee offers jack squat in comparison.

Con #1: Traffic
Granted, SLC isn’t half as bad as places like Los Angeles, Atlanta, or Seattle when it comes to traffic congestion. But most of the main roads in the Salt Lake City area seem to be perpetually busy, at least (and especially) in comparison to Tallahassee. The freeway in Tally is, at its worst, much better than the freeway in Salt Lake City at its best, and Tallahassee rush hour is a less strenuous adventure than is trying to get out of a downtown Salt Lake City mall parking lot (regardless of the time of day). Road construction also is unending in Utah. The same roads that were whittled down to one lane in each direction back in 2011 are whittled down to one lane in each direction this year. As they were the year before that. And the year before that. Or so it seems. Honestly, I don’t know if the main road off of which Melanie’s parents live has ever NOT been under construction! Orange cones and barrels seem to have a permanent residence on SLC roads, and it’s obnoxious. Furthermore, Utah drivers suck. I didn’t realize that before, but man oh man, are they pushy … and impatient … and often times just plain reckless! Perhaps it’s simply that there are so many more drivers here than in Tally, but since our arrival, Melanie and I have rarely been on the road without having some futtface bonehead nearly drive us off the road. It’s a joke.

Pro #2: Food, Food, Food!
Not only are there more options for food in Salt Lake City than in Tallahassee, but the food available is of a much higher quality. This is especially true of Chinese and Mexican food. Since moving to Atlanta six years ago and then to Tallahassee four years ago, Melanie and I have found only one Chinese restaurant that we truly enjoy. We’ve found maybe one Mexican restaurant that we like, but in all fairness, we only like* it (that is, with an asterisk). It’s good enough to satisfy our cravings, since nothing else is available, but it pales in comparison to Utah Mexican food. (Some of you may recall me writing about this problem here.) But even apart from “ethnic” food, there are simply tons of great restaurants in Utah that far outshine anything Melanie and I have found elsewhere. Sure, we’ve come to have our favorites in Tallahassee, but they’re merely our favorites of what’s available. They’re not the kinds of places we’ll miss when we leave Tallahassee. Not a single one of them. Meanwhile, I could cry over some of the food in Utah and how dearly I miss it. It’s just that good.

Con #2: Culture
Salt Lake City trumps Tallahassee when it comes to the kind of culture I described in Pro #1. But it also trumps Tallahassee in another kind of culture—Utah / Mormon culture. And, in my personal opinion, this is a bad thing. One of the best things about living outside of Utah is not dealing with the ceaseless, in-your-face-ness of Utah’s predominant religion. Don’t get me wrong—it’s not the religion itself. It’s the people who adhere to it. And since there are so bloody many of them, advertisers and everyone else caters to those religious beliefs like there’s no tomorrow. Mormon-themed stores, products, and advertising permeate the scene. Even though I myself am a Mormon, I find it all a bit nauseating and offensive—in part because it has a tendency to marginalize those who don’t hold certain beliefs, and in part because it treats Mormons themselves like idiots who will lap up anything that bears even a fabricated relationship to their faith. Unfortunately, plenty of Utah Mormons do lap this stuff up, and that’s why religious affiliation is such a hot commodity in Utah. To put it as simply as I can, Mormonism is a brand name here. (Again, this has nothing directly to do with the tenets of the faith, but is merely an unfortunate byproduct of having so many Mormons living together en masse.) I feel like this is a topic I could go on and on about, and probably I will write about it again. But to keep things as brief as possible for the purposes of this post, I will say only that I hate the exclusivity and divisiveness that exists within Utah culture. As I personally aspire to be both an open-minded, intellectually honest person and a devout member of my faith, I sometimes find that I don’t fit comfortably on either side of Utah’s enormous metaphorical fence.

Pro #3: Radio
I was shocked when I moved from Salt Lake City to Atlanta and discovered that the latter had inferior radio stations. I thought that a big city like Atlanta would have more to offer. They didn’t. I found only one or two radio stations that were moderately enjoyable. The rest of them sucked. Tallahassee radio, surprisingly, has proven a vast improvement over Atlanta radio and offers a handful of stations that I genuinely like. Tallahassee’s WANK (conveniently pronounced “Hank”) 99.9 FM may be as good and enjoyable a station as any I have ever listened to in Utah. In fact, I’m not altogether certain that Utah radio is qualitatively better than Tallahassee radio. But it is quantitatively better, in that there is more of the good stuff in Utah. Of special note is Utah’s long-running morning program Radio from Hell (on X96.1 FM), which far outshines anything coming out of Tallahassee.

Con #3: Radio Commercials
Or more specifically, commercials and commercials and commercials and commercials and commercials. For the vast number of radio stations that I don’t mind listening to in Utah, it can be surprisingly hard to find any actual music to listen to. This is because Utah radio seems to play about 12 minutes of music for every broadcast hour. I don’t know if I can possibly be right about this, but I feel as if there is sincerely 2-3 times as much advertising on Utah radio as there is on Tallahassee radio. In that regard, listening to Utah radio can be a much more frustrating endeavor. And, of course, it’s all the worse to hear ads in Utah because of the kinds of ads you get (see Con #2 above and, once again, this previous post). Still, on those rare occasions when you find some actual music playing, Utah radio can treat you pretty well.

Pro #4: Mountains
I’m not an outdoorsman by any stretch of the imagination. I can’t recall ever doing anything that would count as honest-to-goodness camping (i.e. camping that wasn’t in somebody’s backyard and that didn’t involve a camper trailer or sleeping in the back of a covered truck). I’m not confident that the number of hikes I’ve been on would outnumber my fingers and toes. And I’ve never skied, despite growing up in one of the world’s foremost skiing destinations. But I do love the mountains. I do. Even when I lived in Utah, it was hard not to stare in appreciative wonder whenever I’d drive near to them. And the wonderful thing is, you get pretty close to them all of the time! Just walking out of Melanie’s parent’s front door, one’s eyes are assaulted with mountainous beauty. I don’t get sick of seeing them. They are stunning. And comforting somehow. If I find myself facing too flat of a landscape, I can sometimes feel as if I am drowning. The sky feels too close, and I know I can’t get to any ground that is higher than that on which I already stand. It can make me feel helpless.

Con #4: Trees
As beautiful as Utah’s mountains are, its trees cannot compare to those that grow outside of a desert. I fell in love with Seattle as a teenager, in large part because of the trees. And it’s not merely that a place like Seattle has far more trees than Utah does, although this is undeniably true. It’s that Seattle trees are so much more lush and green than those that grow in Utah. And when it comes to trees, Tallahassee (and even Atlanta) is much more like Seattle than like Utah. And this is one thing that I truly love about living in Tallahassee. When I drive to school in Tally, I get to drive down what’s known as a “canopy road,” a road that is absolutely shrouded in trees. It is gorgeous and never ceases to amaze me. And that is something I would miss about living in Utah. Granted, Utah has trees, and they look good blanketing the mountains. But Utah trees are to Tallahassee trees as VHS is to Blu-ray. If I move back to Utah, I will miss my high-definition Tallahassee trees.

Pro #5: Low Humidity
Yes, Utah gets hot. But the lack of humidity offers many perks in the summertime months that more humid climates could never afford. Even in late July and August, it is rare in northern Utah for the air outside not to feel pleasantly comfortable, and sometimes downright cool, in the morning and late evening hours. And even when it does heat up, you don’t get drenched in sweat the way you would in Tallahassee. In Tallahassee, at least for much of the year, you are hot and sticky from the very moment you walk outside—even if you do so in the middle of the night! And it’s an all-encompassing sticky sweatiness: your clothes, your head, your hair, your entire body—all of it feels damp and slimy within seconds of leaving a well air-conditioned home or vehicle. There’s just no way to put a positive spin on something like that. In contrast, sweating in Utah feels like something you do as a healthy biological creature rather than something that the weather somehow does to you. Put another way, in Tally, it’s as though the Florida air sweats all over you rather than that you sweat because of it. And that’s just gross. When I sweat in Utah, it gets under my arms, on top of my head if I’m standing in the sun. Natural, normal places to sweat. My entire body doesn’t begin to ooze simply because I’ve walked outside. My clothes don’t smell of must and mildew after I spend a few minutes in the Utah sun. In Tallahassee, it’s a whole other story. The lack of humidity alone could be a selling point for moving back to Utah.

Con #5: Dry Air
As always, there are two sides to every story. The lack of humidity in Utah has two major setbacks for me. One, I suspect it is the reason that I used to get somewhat frequent and seemingly spontaneous nosebleeds when I lived in Utah. Since moving away from Utah, I’ve had maybe one or two nosebleeds. Total. In contrast, I used to get at least 6 or 7 nosebleeds per year in Utah, and I’m trying to be very conservative when I make that estimate. It may have been closer to 12, or maybe even 15. I know they occurred frequently, but I’m willing to admit that having a nosebleed every five or six weeks would seem rather frequent to a person. Regardless, my penchant for Utah nosebleeds is probably related to a second problem with the state’s lack of humidity: very dry skin. In wintertime especially, my knuckles and elbows dry out quite a bit when I’m living in Utah. They crack and bleed and sting with pain. My dry elbow skin will even catch on my shirt or jacket sleeves and cause discomfort. I don’t think I ever had these kinds of problems in Utah during the summertime, but I worry that I’ve since acclimatized to Florida in such a way that I will suffer all the more if I ever move back to Utah. Even on this trip, the big knuckle on my right hand is feeling and looking a bit dry. Yikes.

Pro #6: The Library System(s)
Just as I was shocked by the qualitative discrepancies between their radio stations, I was flabbergasted (or maybe just flummoxed) when I moved to Atlanta and found its library system to be inferior to that of Salt Lake City’s. In my experience, at least, there was no comparing the two. Perhaps it’s just my personal tastes and the kinds of things I tried to find, but Atlanta rarely had what I was looking for. In contrast, the Salt Lake City library system had most anything I ever sought. This is especially true when you combine it with Salt Lake County’s library system, which I personally liked even more than the city’s. (Those who live in Salt Lake City proper have the luxury of utilizing both library systems.) As an added bonus, the libraries in Utah are themselves nicer and neater. While several of the Tallahassee libraries are located in strip malls, Utah libraries are located in picturesque old school buildings and churches, or housed in modern architectural marvels such as this:

Case closed!

Con #6: Winter
It’s so obvious, you’ve probably been wondering why I haven’t mentioned it already. Indeed, as beautiful as it may look from the comfort of your living room sofa as you stare out the window and sip your hot cocoa, there’s nothing fun about snow-heavy winters. Not when you actually have to go outside and deal with it, that is. Yes, the Utah snow makes wintertime commutes especially laborious. At best, your commute is slow, wet, messy, and cold. At worst, it’s literally impossible to get anywhere. And then there are the commutes that fall somewhere in between, where you get only partway to your destination before you skid off the road, or get stuck in a snow bank, or crash into someone else who is skidding off the road or getting stuck in a snow bank, etc. I’ll be honest, I fear that my current fondness for Utah would disintegrate immediately if I were to spend a few days here in December or January. And that means I stand a real chance of regretting a return to my home state. Of all of the cons on my list, this one would be the hardest to overlook. So that worries me. And even when and if road conditions remain semi-decent in the wintertime, as they sometimes do, it is such a pain to bundle kids into heavy coats and then try to cram them into their car seats. It makes going anywhere very unappealing. That’s just the truth. Now, I’ll admit that sometimes I miss the snow. It’s soft and peaceful, and when it decorates the entire city, it makes everything look timeless and serene. Wintertime in Utah has always been a very nostalgic time for me, and I miss that feeling. Even when I find myself wearing long pants, long sleeves, and a decent jacket in Tallahassee (if I remember correctly, this kind of weather is known to Floridians as “January 12th”), it lacks the distinctive ambiance of a snow-filled Utah winter. Even so, I have never once wished to myself that I could spend my mornings in Florida driving through the snow, or scraping the snow and ice off of my car before heading to school, or walking across campus in knee-high piles of snow that leave my shoes and socks thoroughly soaked. And that’s precisely what I’ll get living in Utah.

So there you have it. I’m sure there are other issues to consider, but I think this captures the most salient concerns—both good and bad—that I’ve had about returning to Utah. When it comes right down to it, I will admit that, at this moment, I do plan to at least try to make it back here someday. Despite my worries, I’m less iffy than ever about returning. And my fear of regret is slowly dissipating as well, which means I’m almost certain to return if given the chance. I’m even starting to take it for granted that I’ll live here again, which is dangerous because it’s not altogether up to me. Professionally speaking, the opportunity may never present itself. And yet at this point, I can’t help but expect to live here again. It may be wishful thinking, but more and more, it seems my return is inevitable. We shall see.

Jambalaya

I’m now twice as far into the semester as I was the last time I wrote. Things are still going well. I actually had a student come by during my office hours just to tell me how much she enjoys the class. She stuck around for a few minutes just to chit-chat. It is her first semester in college, and she told me that she’s really happy because all of her professors have been awesome, including me. (For the record, I’m not actually a professor.) Admittedly, it was nice to get such positive feedback. Without even knowing it, she reassured me that many of my desires for the class are being met, at least in one student’s eyes. She said she likes how much class discussion we have, and she says the class feels like a very safe place to share your views, etc. I was thrilled to have the feedback, as bizarre as it felt to receive it. I’ve never had a student show up just to tell me that he/she likes my class. It’s a strange thing.

So, teaching is going well, but I’m sick—again. It’s beginning to feel like I should blog about my health only when I’m not sick. As always, it seems to be a matter of the illness circling around within the family and never really leaving. I was just getting over a cold when the semester began. Then everyone else in my family got it. In fact, many of them are still coughing regularly. They’ve all been to the doctor and hooked up with prescription meds. Eddie, Peter, and Creegan all had ear infections. They thought Melanie might have bronchitis. I haven’t been as bad off as everybody else, but it hardly matters. When you’re a parent, it sucks to have sick kids. You feel depressed on their behalf, and your rest is only as good as their rest. As for my own physical condition, I’m tired of feeling a massive amount of pressure in my head and of constantly needing to blow my nose. Thankfully, I think we’re all finally heading out of this one. Let’s hope for a good two or three weeks before anything else strikes, shall we?

Quick complaint: the weather. It’s late September. You go outside at night, when it’s dark, after 9pm, and you walk from your doorstep to your car. Guess what? You’re sweating like a pig. I’d like to tell Florida to shove it where the sun doesn’t shine, but the blasted sun is always shining here!

I’m no further along on my dissertation than I was two weeks ago. Pity. I don’t often feel inspired to work on it, although I occasionally get into conversations with others about it and get kind of excited. I get excited as I talk about it mostly because I feel more and more convinced that I’m right and that I have something to say. But, man, it’s a lot easier to have something to say than to actually say it. It’s the latter that overwhelms me. Philosophy is a picky, picky thing. You have to be so careful and precise. It makes it exhausting. Yes, yes, that’s what makes it so brilliant and beautiful when it succeeds, I know, but trust me, you can be a lot sloppier writing for almost any other field. Sometimes I fantasize about being a psychologist instead. Or even a high school teacher. Shhh, don’t tell!

On a positive note, this is looking like a great night for TV. I’m excited to see the premiers of The Amazing Race and Sister Wives. And yes, I’m going to watch Pan Am. Melanie and I have been watching a bit more TV this season, and it’s been fun. I’m already ready to bail on a few of the new shows we’ve tried, but it’s been nice to do something different.

And that’s my life.

Potpourri No. 30

Random tidbits o’ life:

Ah, Summer
It’s February in Florida, which means the first signs of summer are upon us. As in years past, the shortest month in the calendar has given rise to the first sunbathers by the pool. Lately, I myself have been wearing t-shirts and shorts and driving with the A/C on. It’s uncomfortable not to, which sucks considering we’ve got about six months of steadily increasing temperatures to look forward to. Currently, afternoon temperatures have been reaching into the high 70’s, and tomorrow it’s supposed to top out at 79 degrees. Crazy!

So What Else is New?
Guess who’s sick? Trick question! The real question, of course and as always, is who’s the sickest? That’s a tough one right now. Melanie’s just starting to get over something terrible, and I think I might just be descending into it. In a family of five, it seems impossible to fully exorcise illness from the home, which sucks a donkey. I somehow thought I might scrape by this round with barely a scratch—or scratchy throat, I should say. My throat had been sore and swollen for a few days, but nothing major. It seemed to be getting better, but last night, my throat suddenly feels like it’s coated in sand. It’s not sore again, but it’s obnoxious and I’m occasionally seized with coughing fits that leave me seeing stars and tasting blood. I assume it’s salt and not blood, but I always think of blood when I’m hacking my lungs out and get that distinct flavor in my mouth. It would have to be snot, methinks. Or, maybe I’ve just got tuberculosis! LOL!

Taking Teaching to a Whole New Level
Some exciting (dreadful?) news this week: I’ve been given a teaching position for the latter part of the summer semester. That means I’ll have full responsibility of a class, the first time in several years that this has been the case. During my time at Georgia State, I taught seven classes completely on my own. But my teaching gig this summer will be quite different. First of all, I’ll have as much control over the course as a genuine professor would. At GSU, we grad students didn’t have much say over anything other than what work-appropriate clothes we wore while we taught. The syllabus, textbook, lesson schedule, exams, etc., were all selected and written for us. Very little was left up to us. At FSU, I’ll be calling the shots. That’s cool, but it’s also a lot more responsibility and work on my part, so I’m sure it will be stressful. But, funny enough, I think I’ll have a TA of my own to help me out. Wow, I’m growing up! But anyway, another huge difference between my time at GSU and my upcoming teaching gig is that I’ve now been assigned to teach a 3000-level class. A symbolic logic class, no less. Reductio ad absurdum! Symbolic logic is not my specialty, by any means, but I guess that’s beside the point as far as the department is concerned. It’s assumed that I know the material at this stage of the game, and of course, I do. I’ve taken symbolic logic twice, after all. (“I’ve been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I’m no dummy!”) I took it at the U of U even though I didn’t have to, and then I had to take it as part of my master’s program at GSU. I always kind of liked the subject and did exceptionally well with it, but it’s also one of the most intimidating subjects I’ve ever studied. It can easily confuse people, and I’m not excluded from that. I often have to think through matters of symbolic logic very slowly, and I can’t help wondering how inept I might sometimes appear to my students this summer. But that’s OK. It should be quite an experience teaching the class. An overwhelming but interesting and good experience.

It’s Official—I’m a Twit
Yup, I’ve made a Twitter account. Why? Why ask why? No reason, really. I decided to follow a bunch of celebrities just for the heck of it, and also because most of them excel at being witty in 140-characters or fewer. (Bam! Bet you thought I’d say “less”!) Probably everything I put on Twitter I’ll also put as a status update on Facebook, but in my experience, Facebook status updates are much easier to miss. One reason is the fact that Facebook friendships are practically meaningless, so people have way more Facebook friends than they could ever keep up with. Another reason is that status updates on Facebook have to compete with updates about someone’s horse dying on Farmtown or with the results of someone's survey to determine what kind of legume best captures their personality. (You are a garbanzo bean, but your besties call you chick pea!) On Twitter, depending on whom you follow, you’re not getting so much excess baggage and fluff. That’s nice … even if it is pointless.

Two-Line Poetry
While walking home from the bus stop the other day, I thought maybe I should start writing simple, two-line poems. It would give me a chance to be more artsy without demanding too much of my time. And, as we’ve all learned from haikus, short and simple can be truly beautiful, just like Dudley Moore. So, anyway, I came up with these gems. Hope you enjoy them!

TURTLE SOUP
Suntan while you can, little turtle
For tonight, it’s turtle soup

SILENT REJECTION
I thought she’d never ask
Turns out I was right

The end!

Brrrrrr!

It’s just after noon here in Tallahassee, Florida. The temperature outside is 41° F, though weather.com says it feels like only 34° F. I’m inside, so I can’t say. But I believe it. It’s been brutally cold here lately. The winter started off quite fickle. On New Year’s Day, it was 75° F outside. I was comfortably walking around in a t-shirt and shorts. A day or two after (or was it before?) that, it actually snowed here. You could barely see it, but it was there. I had to stand with my arms outstretched, collecting tiny pieces of white fuzz along my black sleeves, in order to convince myself it really was snow. It was. And yesterday, as I waited for a morning bus to take me to school, I froze. I had worn long pants, one of my heavier, long-sleeved shirts, and a jacket to boot. Even so, it felt bitter. Hellish. I use that word quite literally. I know the Judeo-Christian religions opt to speak of Hell in terms of fire and brimstone, but I imagine it as barren, cold, dark, and desolate. Much like winter can feel. Soulless. Vacant. Hauntingly bare, even of warmth.

Here’s the kicker: I kind of liked it. It helped that it wasn’t completely dark outside, that I wasn’t immensely tired and up before dawn. In wintertime, being up before the sun is the hellish icing on the (devil’s food?) cake. Then you’ve got the darkness without and the lack of vitality within that can almost convince you that you’re in the netherworld. As it was, I was out in the hustle and bustle of the day. It was just a colder, grayer version thereof. The kind of day where you can search the sky for an inch of blue and not find it. So what was I so fond of? I think it felt nostalgic to me. More like the genuine winters I remember from childhood. Granted, there wasn’t a blanket of snow here, but there wasn’t always snow as a kid, either. The point is that it felt as wintertime always did to me growing up: timeless, or perhaps more appropriately, frozen. No matter how busy the street you may be standing on, in winter, everything somehow translates into still life. There’s a nostalgic, melancholy quality to it, even if it sometimes feels like death.

Sometimes when I fantasize about the future, I imagine myself living somewhere that has brutal winters. Odds are, I’ll live somewhere with much harsher winters than I’ve had to deal with over the last few years. I don’t aspire to this, but it’s statistically likely. And in some regard, it sounds right and good. I think I’d hate it, but I also think it could feel like home. Not just the home I grew up in, but home-like in general. Having a family and a house and growing old—shouldn’t there be memories involving snow somewhere in there? Maybe there’s something spiritual about facing the harshness of winter and being redeemed of it come spring. Even on a daily basis, there may be spiritual symbolism in being thrust into the cold, dark winter world and fighting against it until you find salvation in the comfort of returning home, baptized in the light and warmth of modern electricity, not to mention family.

So, are they winter wonderlands or winter wastelands? I’m not sure it makes much difference. Either way, they’re quiet. And I’ve enjoyed the opportunity to hear myself think.

Potpourri No. 28

Random bits o’ life…

Worst Things First
In my previous blog entry, I reported that things were looking good with Creegan and that, if things continued to go well, he would come home from the hospital that same day. Creegan did make it home on Saturday. Shortly after getting home, however, he projectile vomited. This was a bit unsettling, as this was the very thing his surgery was meant to cure. He projectile vomited again a few hours later, and then again many hours after that. Melanie and I had read that sometimes babies still projectile vomit for a day or so after having the surgery because that is what their bodies are used to doing. One nurse also said this to us, but everybody else—including Creegan’s doctor and the surgeon—said we shouldn’t expect to see any more vomiting at all. I wasn’t sure what to think. I wanted to feel completely at ease by this point, but I didn’t. And I hated the suspense of not feeling completely settled. On the positive side of things, though Creegan was still projectile vomiting, the vomits were getting further and further apart. I hoped this meant his system was just getting used to things again. I also took comfort in the fact that Creegan had pooped twice since his surgery, a sign that the surgery had worked. However, the pooping then seemed to stop. And, one of the projectile vomits that Creegan spewed after leaving the hospital was oddly thick, almost like clay or putty. These things bothered me, but Creegan did seem better overall. He looked immensely better, and when he was awake, he seemed more alert and attentive than he had ever been. We knew Creegan had a follow-up doctor’s appointment on Monday (yesterday), so we decided not to panic. I kept all my hope invested in the “readjustment period” theory.

The morning of Creegan’s doctor appointment, he pooped. It wasn’t a lot, but it was something. I don’t think I’ve ever been so thrilled to have a child defecate as I was at that moment. Then, at the doctor’s office, with the doctor watching, Creegan pooped a big one. He’s been pooping regularly ever since, and it’s now been something like 40 hours since he’s projectile vomited. I finally feel at ease, like life is and will be normal, both for Creegan and for us. It’s a wonderful feeling after all of this. Creegan’s doctor put him back on Zantac, still thinking that he has acid reflux, which could explain some of the post-surgery vomiting. As I said in my previous entry, pyloric stenosis wouldn’t explain the more active spitting up that Creegan experienced during his first couple of weeks of life, so I’m not skeptical that he has acid reflux. But I think the post-surgery vomiting was probably just his body adjusting back to normalcy. Things had almost completely mellowed out by the time the doctor saw him. But that’s OK. The Zantac does seem to help Creegan when it comes to normal, non-threatening, mild spitting up, of which Creegan is quite a fan. We’re going to keep him on Zantac for a month and then reevaluate. I’ll let you know what happens.

Sharp Thinking
During the past week, I’ve often taken Edison and Peter out to the playground to play. I’m not sure where he got the idea, but Eddie likes for me to pretend that I’m a hunter chasing kids whom I plan to eat for dinner. He and Peter run around the playground screaming while I chase them. Here and there, they climb up on things and “barely” escape me by going down a slide as I come climbing up after them. Additionally, sometimes Eddie pretends to have a sword with which he can defend himself. It’s an especially deadly sword, a creation of Eddie’s own imagination. At the tip of the sword is—get this—a cactus needle! Just when you thought swords couldn’t get any more dangerous!

Chillin’
So, yes, living in Florida, we can still head out to the playground and play, even during the first week of December. I know that’s what some of you are thinking, and you may feel jealous. I’ll be the first to admit that there are many perks about our climate, such as not dealing with snow. But make no mistake, it gets cold here. And it’s quite cold here lately. The high for today is only 50 degrees. Morning temperatures are in the low 20s. It’s no picnic, even if you won’t get snow on your picnic blanket here. I feel I have to remind people of this because they often imagine that I’m living somewhere tropical, which I’m not. I remind you that I’m 15—20 minutes outside of Georgia, that Tallahassee is not a beach town, and that there is nothing picturesque about it.

Breakin’
The fall semester has ended. I’ve written what needs to be written and graded what needs to be graded. It’s over. Good riddance. I’m slightly disappointed with my not-quite-perfect grade in the one seminar class I took, simply because I think it would have been perfect had my first two papers been graded by the main instructor rather than by his assistant. That sounds like lame whining, but I have strong reasons for believing this and have been a student long enough that I can typically gauge how well I’ll do on things before I actually get graded. To share just one bit of evidence, my final paper in the course was an extension of one of my earlier papers. The instructor’s comments on my final paper were that it was “excellent,” “well-written,” “well-argued,” and demonstrated a “good command” of the material on which I was writing. Trust me, that didn’t come out of the little bit I added to it to turn it into a final paper, but the earlier version wasn’t nearly so well-received when graded by the instructor’s assistant. OK, OK, enough. From now until the spring semester starts in January, I need to be working on my special area exam, and I’m toying with the idea of trying to prep something to submit to a conference. I’m at the stage where I should be doing that kind of thing. It’s intimidating, but it has to be done. There’s a philosophy conference at the University of Utah in April. Wouldn’t that be cool if I got something accepted there? Grinders 13, here I come! Oops, I mean, family. Yes, of course, family is what I’d be excited about. Yeah. Sure.

Honestly, People!

It’s been about five years since I started grading essays in some capacity or another. I’ve whined about it before, but it is mind-blowing just how horrible college essays can be. If you ever want your faith in the educational system to be eliminated, just see what incoherent drivel is constantly being churned out by those who are somehow receiving bachelor’s degrees. Worse, academic integrity is disturbingly absent. Every semester that I’ve taught or been a TA in a class that required essays from its students, I have had at least one case of plagiarism. I’ve also been in charge of tracking attendance in oversized classes where a simple roll call is too impractical. In such classes, we’ve tracked attendance by having a sign-in sheet that students must sign as they come into the classroom, or that gets passed around the classroom during the lecture, etc. Think a lot of fraud goes on there? Indeed. I estimate that, during the current semester, I receive an average of 5—6 forged signatures per class meeting. These are students who are signing in their friends, even though their friends are not showing up to class. It’s a joke.

Why do I bring all of this up? Well, as the end of the semester draws near, I realize that a lot of these scamming students are reaping the benefits of their misdeeds. Even the one or two students that have received some sort of academic penalty are not getting the punishments they deserve. There are at least three plagiarism cases this semester from the one class for which I’m a TA, but the instructor does not want to pursue them in any rigorous manner. Instead, the students receive a heavy point-reduction on their essays and a nice little warning written at the end of their paper. Yes, this will disappoint these students, since they expected to get away with the plagiarism. But it’s a slap on the wrists compared to what their punishment could and probably should be. At my previous institution, plagiarism resulted in an automatic “F” for the course, no questions asked. And there was an official note put into your file so that subsequent instances could be more severely dealt with. That’s not going on here. Neither are those committing attendance fraud going to be held accountable. The instructor of the class has informed me, in not so many words, that it would be opening a can of worms for us to deny certain students attendance points for days on which a signature appears next to their name. Never mind the fact that I know who these students are, that I specifically watched for them to come to class and verified that they weren’t there, that their signatures look vastly different on days when I also could not see them in class, that I have done a headcount and verified that I received 8 or 9 more signatures than students were in class that day. But hey, somebody signed these students in, so we better just give them the points. Way to go, dishonest students. Had you been honest, you would have lost points, but because we know you weren’t honest, we have to give you the points. Well played.

And since I’m complaining … can it really be going on midnight, going into December 1st, and I’m dying to turn on the A/C in our apartment? The answer: yes!

Fickle Florida

Within the last week, this has happened…


That’s right. As residents of the Sunshine State, we’ve already had to turn our heater on. But don’t worry. We’ve since converted back to using the A/C. For now. But really, it just depends on the day. Florida won’t sit still, as far as temperatures are concerned. About a week ago, the daily high was still sitting in the mid- to upper- 90s Fahrenheit. Then, about half a week ago, the temperatures plummeted by 40 degrees. For three or four days in a row, the morning temperature (say around 8 or 9 a.m.) was in the 30s, and afternoon temperatures were in the upper 50s. Looking at the current weather report, we’ll be vacillating between the mid-70s and the mid-80s for our daily highs over the next 10 days. The anticipated low temperature tomorrow night is ten degrees warmer than the afternoon temperature was a few days ago. It’s somewhat maddening. I’m not keen on freezing yet—and yes, it does get surprisingly chilly up here in the Panhandle—but I’ve enjoyed this brief flirtation with autumn. I’d like it to stay awhile.

Potpourri No. 25

The following potpourri post has been brought to you by:

Crispy
Florida’s faux fall season seems to be upon us. Sort of. During the last few mornings, it has felt pleasantly cool outside. It’s quite exhilarating, though it’s a darn shame when the afternoon comes and the temperature once again hits the 90s. Still, I anticipate the drop in temperatures that must surely come. Bring it on!

Crunchy
The first crunch time of the semester is also upon us. Last week, one of my instructors assigned a 209-page reading assignment, plus another reading assignment, plus a 3-4 page essay on that first reading assignment, all due within a week’s time. If that weren’t crazy enough, I have another 5-7 page essay due just a few days later, not to mention 40-45 essays that I need to grade for undergraduates within a few days after that. This has brought about a roller coaster of emotions, including stops at both “suicidal” and “murderous.” Fortunately, I’m currently in a better-than-not state of mind. I think it’s because I’m doing something wrong.

Flaky
A week ago, the janitor who cleans the building housing the philosophy department asked to borrow a dollar from me. Blame it on my old-fashioned values, but that somehow struck me as a breach of social protocol. Not that I was offended. But what will offend me is if I never get paid back. He told me when he accepted my loan that he would have it back to me last Friday, but I haven’t seen it yet. That’s fine. When I gave him the dollar, I didn’t necessarily expect to see it again. I still don’t have much hope in getting repaid, but the janitor did tell me, “I didn’t forget about you!” the last time we passed each other, and that was more than I expected from him. So who knows. It sure beats having a janitor who uses your office to look up naughty sounding things on MySpace when he thinks you won’t be coming in. Oh wait, my janitor does that too. Shucks!

Nutty
I recently received some super-exclusive junk mail from Barclays Bank Deleware, informing me—a grad student living largely on student loans—that I am pre-approved for “the world’s most prestigious” Visa card ever—the “Black Card.” What amuses me is not so much that I was the ill-selected recipient of said advertisement, but that anyone would find the offer alluring in the first place. It amazes me how much some people must thrive on feeling socioeconomically superior to others, yet that is the primary sentiment on which this advertisement hopes to thrive. Two elements of the card offer stood out to me as utterly ridiculous. The first is the annual fee—$495! And the ad highlights this as though it were a nifty feature of the card! Sadly, this means there must be people out there who will feel better about themselves knowing they have a credit card with such an astronomically high (and asinine) fee. “I pay $500 a year just to have this card in my wallet!” I guess there are some bragging rights there??? Secondly, I was amused by the following non-sequitur, which I urge you to really think about as you read it, asking yourself if it makes any genuine sense: “For those who demand only the best of what life has to offer, the exclusive Visa Black Card is for you. The Black Card is not just another piece of plastic. Made with carbon, it is the ultimate buying tool.” Huh? So, if you want the best things in life, you should make sure your credit card is not made out of plastic, even though the plastic credit cards do the very same things that a non-plastic credit card could do? And what does the last sentence of that quotation really mean? How does the carbon affect your purchasing power or buying opportunities whatsoever? It makes no sense. I think the final sentence is probably meant to say something like this: “Made with carbon, there is a decent chance, at least for a while, that any cashier who takes your card will experience the following fleeting realization: ‘Hey, this credit card is made out of different stuff than I’m used to. Strange.’ Don’t you think that will give your irrational sense of pride a great big boner? We do.”


Thank you and good night!

How I've Been Spending My Summer Vacation

This is my last week before “real” school starts again. I’ve been doing some independent study type of classes, which means I’ve been reading a long list or articles and texts that I had approved by a couple of different professors with whom I periodically check in and report my progress, ask questions, etc. But as of Monday, I’ll be TA-ing for an introductory-level applied ethics course five days a week and taking a class on normative epistemology for six hours a week. It’s going to feel like a normal semester, but compressed. Granted, I’m not taking as many classes as I would in a normal semester, but the fact that both my TA responsibilities and my student responsibilities will be going at double the normal speed (so as to be completed in seven weeks), I think I’m in for a rude awakening. Even though I’ve remained a fairly diligent student this summer with the independent studying, it’s been wonderful not going to campus every day, especially lately, as the heat index is normally pushing past 100 degrees. In a word: poo.

Looking on the bright side, it feels like it’s been an incredibly long time since I was in school. Though it’s only been about eight weeks (which is lovely, I admit), it feels like it’s been twice that long. It probably helps that we went to Utah in the middle of it all. And I’ve been having fun. I haven’t worked as hard as I could have—and perhaps should have—but I think that’s a good thing. I’ve enjoyed more time with my family than I’m used to, and we’ve been exploring Tallahassee a bit more. The car is often cooler than the apartment, even with central air, and riding in it is conducive of naps for the young ones, so afternoon drives have become somewhat standard around here. (And it helps that Circle K is offering a summertime deal on soda fountain refills – just $.49!) We’ve also splurged quite a bit lately when it comes to eating out, and we’ve found a few places that we’re quite fond of. It’s been fun to find some places that are unique to Tallahassee, or at least weren’t available in other cities in which we’ve lived. So, with somewhat open summer days and not much to do to escape the heat, we’ve found ourselves doing a bit more, taking more ownership of Tallahassee, etc. It’s been very nice. Come Monday, of course, my world will once again revolve around school and being on campus, which is going to feel like a narrow and limited world in comparison. How sad.

I guess when you start a paragraph with “looking on the bright side” and end it with “how sad,” you’re probably being too whiny. So I’ll shut up for now. But there’s an update, for anyone out there wondering.