Disappearance Acts

Some time ago, I joined the Columbia House DVD Club. Like their music club, the premise is quite simple: obligate yourself to buying a certain amount of products within a certain amount of time, and they’ll give you an introductory bevy of selections at a highly-reduced cost. (Sometimes they claim to be free, but shipping-and-handling will quickly change that.) As a youth, my mother warned me of the evils of such clubs, painting them as a guaranteed death trap for one’s financial well-being. Nevertheless, being the rebel that I am, I joined a few music clubs as a teenager and, about 18 months ago, finally succumbed to the movie club as well. I am happy to report that I have never had any problems.

Until now.

I admit, for the casual shopper who purchases DVDs and CDs only on rare occasions, these clubs are a bad idea. They charge much more for a single CD or DVD than you’d pay at Best Buy or Circuit City. And that’s prior to the shipping and handling charges, which are typically two or three dollars per unit. If you were to purchase just one DVD, you’d easily spend about $25 to get it, plus you’d have to wait for it to be mailed to you. Heading to Wal-Mart would be much simpler and much more cost effective. However, if you like to buy in bulk, these clubs offer deals that can prove very beneficial to one’s wallet. For example, you may have the chance to “Buy One CD, Get 3 Free.” Though you pay shipping and handling on the “free” CDs, you’ll only spend about seven or eight bucks per CD when it’s all said and done. Same with the movies. Buy in bulk, and you’ll spend around $12 per DVD, which for newer releases is quite decent.

So what does this have to do with anything? Well, buying in bulk can be dangerous if you’re just trying to build a collection and not necessarily intending to rip open the DVD the moment it arrives. As I’ve learned, this is something you should do, even if you don’t plan to watch it. Because the introductory package is generally such a large shipment, I had several films that, until recently, I had not opened. Why should I have worried? All of the correct DVDs appeared to be in the box. But lo and behold, when I opened up my fancy, two-disc set of The Sixth Sense a few weeks ago, there were no DVDs inside! Not a single disc! I had never heard of such a thing! It was outrageous! It makes me use exclamation points!!


My empty DVD box. Haley expresses my sentiments exactly.

But the story only gets sadder. As it turns out, Columbia House does not even offer The Sixth Sense any longer. Not that I’d expect them to send me a replacement. It’s been over a year since I received this selection, and I don’t know how likely they’d be to believe my story that, 18 months after receiving it, I found the package empty. Not just damaged, mind you, but completely empty. Methinks I am screwed.

Oddly enough, a few days after this strange occurrence, I went out to dinner with my family. I had ordered a steak and shrimp combo, which included french fries. Midway through my dinner, I suddenly realized I had never received the fries. I then had to request them from the waiter, who seemed baffled that such an oversight could have taken place. Being the paranoid person that I am, I have to wonder if he thought I was lying in order to get more fries. I know this is a ridiculous assertion, but I guess that’s why it's so embarrassing to imagine him thinking it. Strange days indeed.


A plate without french fries. (Re-enactment! Not the actual restaurant plate!)

Speaking of things that have gone missing, did anybody else subject themselves to the disaster that is Fantastic Four? I think the plot was missing. Seriously, it was one of the thinnest excuses for a plot I’ve ever seen. If you’re planning on seeing it, please wait for it to come to video or, should they exist in your town, a second-run theater or dollar house. And if you’re one of those people that like to purchase DVDs without seeing the movie first, I can only hope you get an empty package like I did. Trust me, it’ll be worth it.