Smoking: Why Not?

Smoking: Why Not?
A Reasoned Response to the Current Anti-Smoking Trend in 21st-Century American Thought

Smoking gets a bum rap. All you hear nowadays is, “Smoking causes cancer, blah blah blah.” Well, you know what I say? Carcinogens, shmarshminagins! Here’s what all those hyped up, fascist, anti-smokers out there will not tell you. Those who smoke have a veritable license to litter! They can literally litter and it does not matter! How cool is that??? But does anyone tell you this when they’re passing out the “Dare to Be Drug Free” t-shirts in fifth grade? When they start brainwashing you, at the tender age of four or five, to “just say no”? Ironically, I’m forced to “just say no” to that question! Here, you turn on the TV and CNN’s telling you that cigarettes cause everything from emphysema to low birth weight (hello! I’m already born!) to “yellow” fingernails, but nobody’s promoting the fact that, whether you’re just a social smoker or a chain smoker who downs three packs of cigarettes a day, you’re endowed with a special privilege that only a select few of the U.S. population enjoy – the right to treat the world like your own personal garbage can! And who would want to pass that up?!? Granted, just because you smoke, it doesn’t mean you can get away with littering just anything. You’re still an A-hole if you drop a McChicken wrapper out of your driver-side window as you cruise down Main Street. But only smokers know the pleasure of littering something without having to let it weigh on their conscience. And I don’t think we should be so quick to pass that up.

I’ll tell you what I think’s going on. I think congress is chock full of chain smokers who do not want to share the metaphorical wealth. They want to retain the special privilege of littering their cigarette butts anywhere they please all for their dang selves. That’s why cigarettes are kept under lock and key and can’t even be purchased by 18-year-old adults! Adults, people! You know, as in fully grown, mature, and reasonable!!! What is this, communist Russia!?! Nope, the lawmakers up on the hill want to make you wait another year before you can start huffing and puffing, just so they feel a little bit more special for a little bit longer. And that’s why they outlawed everything that could tip a kid off to the coolness of smoking! Joe Camel? The dromedary equivalent of Don Johnson? (Remember him? Either of them?) Too cool for school, they said! Yanked all the Camel ads out of the elementary schools! Can’t put him in a commercial, but you sure can put some dude with a hole in his neck telling you not to smoke in a commercial! That’s fine and dandy! Nothing wrong with showing a three-year-old that, is there! And candy cigarettes? Can’t have those! They make kids feel grown up and special! That’s a no-no! Kids aren’t special! You’re all the same! You don’t know anything yet! Just listen to us adults and repeat what we say! Don’t think for yourselves! Phooey on you, Congress! I say it’s about time we start lightening up about lighting up!