When Breakfast Goes Cold: A Consumer Report

Being a college student, many a meal consists of nothing more than a frozen food product. Burritos, pot pies, waffles, microwaveable TV dinners and the like often fill my freezer to capacity. While I know of no day-to-day breakfast quite as satisfying as a bowl of corn flakes with sliced bananas, a toasted English muffin, and a glass of orange juice, I often resort to a quick fix, such as a frozen breakfast sandwich. As a service to you, my beloved readers, I now offer the following consumer report, a comparison of three frozen breakfast options that can easily be found at any local grocer.

Hot Pockets® Breakfast Pockets

Hot Pockets® offers three breakfast selections, all of which are egg-and-cheese pockets with your choice of sausage, bacon, or ham. They come four to a pack, but at half the size of their lunchtime counterparts, a normal person would likely need to eat at least two. There is little assembly required (inserting the pocket into the "crisping sleeve") and microwave cooking time is an easy, breezy one minute, just enough time to find a juice glass, fill it with OJ, and grab a napkin. For their petite size, the pockets are relatively plump, though sometimes a bit lacking on egg. Should it pique the interest of cheese fanatics, there is plenty of the goop inside these. Even two pockets aren't likely to satisfy growing boys (such as myself) for very long, but I dare say these are the best of the bunch being reviewed. They require a microwave, but that should not be a problem for most people fortunate enough to live in a country where microwaveable meals are even an option.

Pillsbury® Toaster Scrambles® Pastries

Toaster Scrambles®, like Hot Pockets®, come with bacon, sausage, or ham, eggs, and cheese wrapped in a flaky crust. The key difference here is the, if you will, "layout" of the product. Designed for the toaster instead of the microwave, Toaster Scrambles® are thin and flat, which creates a very different palatal experience. While this may appeal to some, it is an objectively more "bread-heavy" flavor. Here, the filling accentuates rather than dominates the diner's experience. These come six to a pack, but again, you will likely want two to keep you going. It would take three Toaster Scrambles® to equal two Hot Pockets®, so they are probably comparable in cost, save that Toaster Scrambles®, for whatever reason, do seem more filling. Still, I find their flavor comparatively bland and put them on the bottom of my list. While they require absolutely no pre-cooking preparation, toasting, rotating (to ensure maximum enjoyment), and then re-toasting them is more effort than a crisping sleeve any day. I'll pass on these.

Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sandwiches

Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches come in many varieties, from croissants to biscuits to muffins to bagels (and, in an effort to capitalize on McDonald's McGriddles, they now offer "Griddle Cakes"). What you gain with the breads, you lose with the meats. If you're a sausage fan, you're in luck, as this is the one "flavor" available across the board. Bacon enthusiasts, however, are stuck with either the biscuits or the muffins. Still, because of their slightly larger size, these may prove the best investment. (I'll admit, I don't know their actual size, but one of these seems comparable to any two of the above.) The disadvantage here--and it is a significant one--is in the prep time. But it's not the cooking time that's a problem. In fact, depending on the sandwich, microwave time can be as little as 40 seconds. However, preparing to cook these babies takes considerably longer than either of the above items. First, you are urged to wrap the product in a paper towel in order to cook it. I don't know how vital this step really is, but it certainly requires more effort on your part. The paper towel also poses the threat of taking precious corners of cheese along with it once the sandwich is cooked. But before you can even cook it, you have to deal with the obnoxious packaging. Each sandwich is individually sealed in an airtight bubble that will require you to extricate your car keys, a ballpoint pen, or some other pointy object in order to break through its protective barrier. But the absolute biggest disadvantage is that one cannot spontaneously decide to eat these sandwiches. Take note ahead of time: you must first thaw these sandwiches before you can cook them. In this sense, they will not come in handy on a morning when you're running late. If you're always running late, however, you could easily pop one of these into your fridge or onto the counter before bed and have it ready in the morning. If you're a commuter who eats breakfast at work, school, etc., depending on the length of your commute, these could also work just fine. But the whole concept of planning hours ahead of time to be "speedy" seems kind of ludicrous, if you ask me.

There you have it. Three products that may or may not be of interest to you. Regardless, you now have a better idea of what to expect when you're taking a stroll down your grocer's freezer. This is just one of the many services I am happy to provide my readers. Bon appetit!