In one of my classes this past semester, we discussed addiction. What is addiction? Obviously, there is no widely accepted answer. Just theories. A behavior you want to stop but engage in anyway? This is a common answer, but is it too broad a definition? Does it cover more than addicitons?
I don't know, personally. But I will admit that, having had this class, I've decided you can be addicted to almost anything. Actually, I think anybody would agree to this, but what I mean is that even things we don't normally view as addictions very well can be. Such as? Anxiety, laziness, self-consciousness, loneliness, hopelessness. I really think you can be addicted to these things as much as anything else. You can be addicted to certain attitudes. Could depression just be an addiction to a bleak perspective on life? I almost buy into that. I think I was addicted to this once. I didn't want to be that way, I despised feeling hopeless and I hated the thought of allowing myself to fall further and further into a rut. But I did it anyway. And why? Because it was easier to give into it. Because I could disappear into inaction and denial and become temporarily numbed. Doesn't this sound like a drug?
Do we ever go through life not wanting something to change? Is it even healthy not to have something we want to change about ourselves? If we don't have something we know needs to change, aren't we just kidding ourselves, pretending to be perfect when of course that is impossible? But isn't it depressing to think there's always something making us less-than-we-could-and-should-be? Something within ourselves that is grossly insufficient? Must we choose between despising ourselves and being ignorant? Are those the only options? How does one balance an honest self-assessment with hope and self-worth? Is it possible? How?
Very interesting theories. I've wondered the same thing myself in a way. Do I really like to feel sad and sorry for myself for example. To quote the infamous Dr. Phil,
ReplyDelete"What's the payoff?" He says that people only do things for a reward. Even our "bad" behaviors and things we want to change about ourselves are done for something we get from them. Like me saying it's hard to make a choice because I'm so afraid of making the right one. I'm a people pleaser and sometimes it's so frustrating to feel like I have no say in what I'm going to do! But maybe it makes it so I don't have to take responsibility. If I follow what my parents tell me, for example, then life will be safe because I'm "choosing the right."
Who would want to feel depressed? And yet sometimes don't you think that people (yourself included) just don't want to get past it? It's interesting I think.
I've also been wondering lately if we really have that much control over ourselves. Like I think we are supposed to be perfect and every moral situation is a decision to be made. We are on the earth to be tested right? But what if you just aren't capable of making the choice? Or worse, you know the right choice but can't make it? For whatever your "selfish" reasons, is it possible that it's just beyond your capabilities?