Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Dead Man Walking

In less than two weeks, I’ll start teaching again. That sounds way too soon. I don’t even have a copy of the textbook I’m using. They make you decide on a textbook months in advance, and then they don’t get you a copy of it until the last minute. How am I supposed to be planning for this class? Good question. The book I selected was recommended to me by someone who specializes in the relevant subject matter and who believes it to be a more approachable book than many others. With limited time and resources available to me before I had to commit to a textbook, I followed this person’s recommendation. It sure would be nice if I could get an idea of what the book looks like now.

This summer overwhelms me because it’s sort of like the beginning of the end, whether that end is completing my Ph.D. or becoming an utter failure. There is so much that should be happening between now and December that I can scarcely comprehend it. So much metaphorical distance must be traveled that it doesn’t even seem real to me. I know what’s supposed to happen, but I don’t feel connected to it. It’s like knowing the capitol of North Dakota. I can recite the proper facts, but it doesn’t feel like it has anything to do with me. It doesn’t feel strange or foreign or weird—it just feels irrelevant somehow. I guess that’s not a good thing. Or maybe it is. Maybe it’s a subconscious psychological tactic to prevent myself from having a nervous breakdown. It’s possible, because even writing this post is filling me with anxiety. Better wrap it up and go back to peaceful oblivion.

Before I go, I’ll say that I have no idea how much blogging I’ll be able to do once May arrives. I’d like to post a few things between now and then, but I doubt I’ll have the time or the mental capacity to blog much thereafter. I feel like a little boy standing in line to go on a roller coaster or into a haunted house or something. All is calm at the moment, but I know everything’s about to change. I’m scared. Part of me wants to run and hide. I’m venturing forward because I feel like I can’t turn back—I’m pretty much at the front of the line now! But I’m not really sure I want to do this. I want it to be over, and I’m not 100% convinced I’ll make it out alive. Somebody hold my hand!!!

Correction [made Wednesday, April 25, 2012]: I don’t know how I got confused, but I don’t actually start teaching until one week later than I thought when I first posted this. That means I’ll start teaching in just less than three weeks. That’s still very soon, but I feel immensely better about it! Let the procrastinating begin!

1 comment:

  1. It breaks my heart to think of you sad or scared. If it means anything, I pray for you all the time. I hope it all works out and you get through it alright. Love ya tons!